Reflections on Love: Lessons from a Failed Marriage
Love is a complex and multifaceted emotion that can shape the course of our lives. It can bring us immense joy and fulfillment, but it can also lead us down a path of heartbreak and disappointment. In this blog post, I want to share my personal experience with love, particularly in the context of my failed marriage.
The Early Years
When I first entered into my marriage, I believed that love was the foundation upon which everything else would be built. I was infatuated with my ex-wife, and the initial years of our relationship were filled with passion, excitement, and a deep sense of connection. But as time went on, I began to question whether what I was feeling was truly love.
Looking back, I can now recognize that what I mistook for love in the early stages of our relationship was actually a combination of infatuation and lust. It was the intoxicating rush of new love, the thrill of discovering someone who seemed to complete me in every way. But as the novelty wore off and the realities of life set in, I realized that the foundation of our relationship was not as solid as I had once believed.
A Lack of Love
As the years went by, I found myself drifting further and further away from loving my ex-wife. Our relationship became strained, filled with arguments and resentment. We grew apart emotionally, and the love that had once seemed so strong began to wither away.
During this time, I made the mistake of seeking solace and companionship in other women. I entered into relationships with a few women, one at a time, hoping to find the love that I felt was missing from my marriage. However, I soon realized that I was merely searching for a temporary escape from my own unhappiness.
The Search for Love
Each relationship I entered into during the end of my marriage was devoid of true love. I was looking for someone to fill the void in my heart, to make me feel whole again. But what I failed to realize was that true love cannot be found in another person; it must first be cultivated within ourselves.
I now understand that my search for love outside of my marriage was a reflection of my own dissatisfaction and unhappiness. I was projecting my own insecurities onto these women, expecting them to provide the love and fulfillment that I was unable to find within myself.
The Importance of Self-Love
Through the painful process of my failed marriage and subsequent relationships, I have come to realize the importance of self-love. True love starts from within, and it is only when we love and accept ourselves fully that we can truly love another person.
It is easy to fall into the trap of seeking external validation and relying on others to make us feel loved and worthy. But this is a fleeting and unsustainable form of love. It is only when we learn to love ourselves, flaws and all, that we can build a solid foundation for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
The Lessons Learned
Looking back on my failed marriage and the relationships that followed, I have learned some valuable lessons about love:
- Love is not just a feeling; it is a choice. It requires effort, commitment, and a willingness to work through the challenges that arise.
- Love cannot be found in another person. It must first be cultivated within ourselves.
- Infatuation and lust are not sustainable forms of love. They may feel intense in the beginning, but they often fade over time.
- True love is accepting and supportive. It allows for growth and change, and it does not seek to control or possess.
- Self-love is the foundation of any healthy and fulfilling relationship. We must learn to love and accept ourselves before we can truly love another person.
While my failed marriage and subsequent relationships were painful experiences, they have ultimately led me to a deeper understanding of love. I now know that love is not just a fleeting emotion; it is a lifelong journey of self-discovery, growth, and acceptance.
So, as I reflect on my failed marriage and the relationships that followed, I can honestly say that I did not love my ex-wife in the later years of our marriage. But through this journey, I have come to learn what love truly means and the importance of cultivating it within myself.
After UCLA College of Letters where I obtained PhD is Philosophy, Psychology and Religion I got a teaching job at the University. I felt uneasy teaching. I applied for a job in the mental health field; I got many offers and within two years was running the mental health center where I worked, supervising psychologists and psychiatrists who have been in that field for many decades.
Eventually, I felt bored by the job (of been executive director...I was barely thirty two years old when I was the executive director of the largest mental health agency in the city where I lived) and quit and tried doing other things.
Nothing I tried worked out for me. So, I did other executive director jobs but eventually wound up quitting and returning to college teaching until I felt that teaching is too easy for me; I felt unchallenged being a college professor (I filled my time writing on assorted subjects that interested me).
Eventually, I realized that I have a destiny and fate. My normal routine is to read until I go to sleep (although there is a huge TV in the house, I seldom watch it) and get up around 5 AM, think for a while, and then go to my computer and type the thoughts that I just had in my sleep.