From Hurt to Healing, Beyond Anger: Lessons Learned from a Broken Relationship

Like most people, growing up, I heard from my folks of the need for gratitude. I was told to be grateful to all people who did me favor and to those who did to me what I did not like. I was thankful to those, who as the world sees it, positively helped me.

To me, the idea of being grateful to those who harmed me seemed like mere platitude. There are those who did awful things to me that I am not grateful to. I simply hated those who wronged me. For example, I hated white racists for enslaving black folks and discriminating against them. Gratitude to white folks was far from my mind. My mind was filled with hatred for all human beings who did what I perceived as injurious to me.

So, this morning I woke up at 5 AM and, as usual, an idea enters my mind, and I could not let go of it until I had thought it through. The idea was gratitude.

I asked me, why are we supposed to be grateful to those who helped us and wronged us? There must be a reason why the wise people of this world told us to be grateful to both those who helped us and those who wronged us. Why must I like those who wronged me.

I laid on my bed and did what I call free association and simply allowed ideas to pass through my mind without identifying with any of them.

My mind focused on a recent relationship I had that ended in a messy manner. I reviewed the relationship and asked myself whether I could feel grateful for it?

I had a relationship with a woman. She called me (I live in Alaska and she lives in Arizona) and told me that she is sick. I took a plane to go visit her. I got to her place. My son called and said that he would like to come over on a Friday and leave on Sunday, with the intention of meeting my lady friend. I said yes to his request.

Thereafter, I told the woman that my son wants to come visit us. She said that she does not want to see him at this time. I asked her why and she said that she does not want to be seen in her present state.

I talked to my son and he said that he wants to come to Arizona and go to Grand Canyon and that he would stay in a hotel and he and I would visit and then go to the Grand Canyon together.

I told the lady that my son is coming but would stay in a hotel and not come to see her and that we would go to the Grand Canyon.

She asked me how we are going to get to Grand Canyon, which is about three hours’ drive from her house. I observed that she has two cars and that we could use one of her cars. She said that she does not want us to use any of her cars.

I called my son and he said that we could rent a car for the visit to Grand Canyon.

I then asked myself why this lady does not want to see my son and would not allow us to use one of her cars?

Suddenly, I felt rage and decided to leave her. I made plane reservation to leave. But instead of immediately leaving I decided to tell her what I think of her.

I ignored the adage that says, when you are angry do not talk. I talked and awful things came out of my mouth. I called her a subhuman being and an animal. I asked what kind of relationship we have that she did not want to see my son. Well, I said hurtful things, which I should not have said.

I left and resolved to have nothing more to do with her. This episode occurred in November of last year (2020); I put her out of my mind; as far I was concerned, she no longer exists.

So, this morning I asked myself whether I could be grateful to her rather than be angry at her? The answer that came to my mind is yes. Why, I asked?

The following is what passed through my mind.

“You are angry at her because you believe that she treated you like shit. You believe that she did not respect you and your son. You called her a subhuman being and animal because you did not feel loved by her. You wanted her to love and respect you and your son. Instead, you believed that she treated you and your son disrespectfully.”

I asked me: why does it hurt me that another human being treated me disrespectfully and does not love me? What is it about me that it makes me feel bad if other people did not see me as I want to be seen, valued and respected?

I responded to my question with, it is my ego. I have a grandiose ego. Ala Alfred Adler’s individual psychology, I have a neurotic ego that wants to seem superior and important. Since I desire ego importance any human being who treats me as if I am not important makes me feel diminished.

The woman treated me as if I am not important. She did not want to see my son and did not want me to use one of her cars to visit where we wanted to visit. She sees me as insignificant and worthless despite professing to love me.

People value those they love; she treated me as if I have no value and worth hence does not love me.

Okay, what does that mean? It means that my grandiose ego wants other people to treat it as significant, important, and worthwhile. I made a judgement that she devalued me and felt angry at her. My vanity and pride were hurt by her not affirming my desire for worth in her eyes.

Now, suppose that I did not seek ego importance and significance would what she did hurt me? If I were not neurotically proud and seek superiority would her action bother me?

Epictetus said, it is not what other people did that bothers one, makes one anxious, angry, sad, depressed, paranoid but how one interprets it.

One interprets what happens in the world with ones already existing views of reality, one’s presupposition and preconception. I had desired love and respect and interpreted her behavior as lacking love and respect for me and that was what made me angry.

It was not what she said that made me angry but my thinking, cognition and mentation that made me angry at her. If I looked at what she said from different angles it would not elicit anger or any other affect in me.

If I did not desire love and respect from her, if I did not have a grandiose ego that wants all people to see it as important, I would not have been bothered by her seeming inconsiderate action.

In fact, if I did not have a grandiose ego, I would not even have been attracted to her. Clearly, she lacks understanding and is immature.

She is at Facebook talking about relationships but does something that to the average person is a relationship ender; she sees herself as the innocent one!

Her behavior does not show that she is aware that telling a man that she does not want to see his son would make him mad. But that is her issue, not mine.

If I were a self-loving man, a man with good self-esteem, I would have long known that she is who she is and not be part of her world.

I am in her world because of my desire for other people to see me as important. If I have good self confidence that does not care about what other people think of me what other people did would not bother me.

Her apparent treating me as shit (this is my perception but not hers, she sees herself as the innocent one) has a purpose for me.

Her behavior enabled me to realize that I am pursuing a false, grandiose self-image and that if I desire that deluded self-concept, what other people did to me would hurt me.

If I do not have a desire for a big self it would not matter what other people did to me. Her treating me like shit, therefore, is good for my maturation, for it taught me that I am other directed, that I seek external persons approval; I have what psychologists call external locus of authority and control; I value what other people think of me and if I believe that they see me negatively I feel anger, fear, sadness, and other emotional upsets.

Her behavior is designed to help me grow up, she did what she did to help me to accept me. I am supposed to stop looking externally for social approval but instead to go inwards and value me as I am, not my neurotic big self. In this sense she enabled me to become more mature.

What she did that my ego saw as degrading it is helpful for me, for it enabled me to give up my identification with a false big ego.

If I do not desire a big ego, then who am I? I do not know who I am. The idea is to look inwards, not outwards and find out who my real self is.

As I close this chapter of my life, I do so with a newfound sense of peace and acceptance. The journey from anger to healing, while arduous, has revealed a strength and resilience I never knew I possessed. It has shown me the importance of self-reflection, the power of forgiveness, and the beauty of self-love.

The relationship, though painful, served as a catalyst for transformation. It stripped away layers of ego, forcing me to confront my need for external validation and the emptiness it fostered. It pushed me inwards, on a quest to discover the authentic self, separate from the grandiose image I had constructed.

This journey is far from over. The lessons learned, however, will forever guide me. I continue to cultivate self-compassion, challenge limiting beliefs, and embrace the complexities of being human. As I move forward, I do so with open arms, ready to embrace new connections, experiences, and the continued evolution of my authentic self.

Perhaps, the most valuable lesson I've learned is that even within the wreckage of heartache, lies the potential for profound growth. It is in the crucible of adversity that we discover our true strength, resilience, and the capacity to rise above the ashes, transformed and empowered.

This story is not just mine, but a shared human experience. It is an invitation to delve into your own experiences, to challenge your assumptions, and to embark on your own path of self-discovery. May your journey be filled with both light and shadow, joy and sorrow, but ultimately, may it lead you towards a deeper understanding and acceptance of yourself.